Thursday, December 14, 2006

Someone I know's going through a rough patch lately. Words that this person written particularly stung me with its starkness and yet somehow such intense emotions came through those words. It made me think alot about our actions and expectations surrounding the actions that we have taken and in return, the consequences. The consequences of our actions are sometimes partly determined by the expectations we have too. The higher the expections, the greater the disappointment as they say.

However, I firmly stand by a view point. A piece of memory is eternally with you but pain doesnt. The physical and metaphysical scars that we suffer, on our bodies and upon our hearts and souls, they remind us of the pain we once felt, once suffered. I know how the scars came to and remember in every minute detail of my actions and expectations, with the scar as a consequence.

But I forgot how the pain felt.

The pain, the fears which so threatened to overwhelm during those times seemed so great, unbearable. And yet I forgot how the pain felt. I have multiple scars on my body born from multiple accidents I have had on my bike. I tell you, it fucking hurts everytime you fall, and it fucking hurts even more when you get jaded nurses dressing your wounds, scrubbing your open skin like you are a piece of meat waiting to be disinfected and placed on the market shelves. It hurts every night you try to sleep, every movement you make which causes the scab that is forming to split. Somehow though, I dont really remember how it all felt like. I am sure if I come into contact with it again, I will definately recognise it, like how we recognise long lost friends on the streets. But I can only remember that it hurt, not how.

However, those moments of exhilaration that I have felt on my bike, I vividly remember everything. Even the emotions. It is the memory of these emotions that lets me look forward to each ride everyday like its my first. I have ridden almost everyday for over a year since getting my license and each ride still excites and thrills me. Maybe its a natural defence mechanism our body and mind has, to remember the good and not-so-remember the bad but maybe that's just reckless me.

Even more so in relationships, I hang on to every word spoken by the hers. The loving moments and sometimes too vividly, the painful consequences. Like before, I remember how much it hurt but I cant feel it nor does it affect me much. Yet when I remember the happy times, it still manages to bring a smile to my face or a glow to my heart, even when walking alone down a busy street.

So to this person I say, hang on tight to all these that you remember. Come down the road and you will realise that the pain was but a mere inconvinence. The moments that takes your breath away, those are forever.


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