Saturday, May 07, 2005

Meh, just realised I have 2 bloody pathetic posts to show for this year. Guess thats good in a way, since i seem to derive with most of my stuff when im in my moody moods anyways. This has been a year of startling revealations, things have a way of unravelling themselves at times. Certain events have happened that i cannot bear to put to words, written or otherwise. I am surprised at how i handled them, has it become mere indifference or numbness? Or maybe, acceptence. Escapism, a way of life i ran away to, hoping that if i dont see it, its not there. Somehow, the pain of those around me always draws me back. Responsibility? Is it possible not to feel it when you love someone? When i see my loved ones suffer, especially my beautiful sister, i always ask, "Why not me?" It dosent really stem from self loathing, no i dont really think it does, but somehow, the seeming ease with which i view my own life as nothing scares me sometimes. The past 5 years have really been difficult, struggling with my own demons and fighting agaisnt the demons of his. As i sit here before my laptop typing this, it is with a tranquility and detachedness that i rarely experience anymore. This calm that exists when tired bodies are recharged, gearing up to run another lap of the great rat race.

Dreams, they been plauging my sleep much more often these days. The randomness of the dreams scare me. I have always had such vivid dreams, well strucutred and defined. Ive dreamt of being in the matrix ( agent smiths and slo mo effects included. no shit) , of haunted lifts and never ending flights of stairs, of soaring amongst the stars, of random technicolor animations.
however, the dreams lately are almost sparse, naked. Fractured in sequences, i am unable to draw any meaning from them at all. I hardly have any stage 2 sleep anymore. i just seem to flirt from dream to dream to dream. I keep feeling like i should be seeing something, but it seems to flirt out of sight everytime i turn a corner, only managing to catch glimpses of something. Who knows, maybe it just something passing. Only time will tell.


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