It feels like im walking through water and swimming through sand. Trying to fly with broken wings. Looking back at these 3 years, its amazing how much personal demons and external obstacles ive had to overcome. I dont know if i have grown from it or not, but im learning to deal with them instead of just running away. These recent spats of family issues have really drained me physically emotionally and mentally. Amazingly, i have managed to keep things together, however barely. If it had happened years ago i would have been in a terribly bad state.

Thinking about it, what kept me going on through all these is prolly my love for my sister. I dont not want her to go through the emotional wreckage that ive had to go through. If no one would put up a strong front and carry them forward, no one else will. As an elder brother and the eldest son, its my prerogative. But sometimes its hard, it feels like a burden so heavy i almost cannot breath, a knife so sharp i get torn apart. Is there no reprive from this loneliness and despair?

I dont dare try see what lay aheads, just taking it one day at a time. The day i see myself going down his path, the day i cease to exist. That kind of existence is not worth it, pathetic. I will not become him.