Saturday, May 28, 2005

If one day you find that you are standing on the edge. Nothing seperating you from all that you have known and all that you do not and may come to know, but you. What would you do? Would you take the leap into the unknown? Or does the past and memories mean too much? What makes a man? Is a man without a past or a memory any less whole then a man with? Is the past consequential? We are molded by our history, can we still be what we are if all that history was gone? What's left? An empty shell or the true self?

If one day i find the edge and leap over it. Ill come back to tell the tale if it aint a one way ticket.

Monday, May 23, 2005

It feels like im walking through water and swimming through sand. Trying to fly with broken wings. Looking back at these 3 years, its amazing how much personal demons and external obstacles ive had to overcome. I dont know if i have grown from it or not, but im learning to deal with them instead of just running away. These recent spats of family issues have really drained me physically emotionally and mentally. Amazingly, i have managed to keep things together, however barely. If it had happened years ago i would have been in a terribly bad state.

Thinking about it, what kept me going on through all these is prolly my love for my sister. I dont not want her to go through the emotional wreckage that ive had to go through. If no one would put up a strong front and carry them forward, no one else will. As an elder brother and the eldest son, its my prerogative. But sometimes its hard, it feels like a burden so heavy i almost cannot breath, a knife so sharp i get torn apart. Is there no reprive from this loneliness and despair?

I dont dare try see what lay aheads, just taking it one day at a time. The day i see myself going down his path, the day i cease to exist. That kind of existence is not worth it, pathetic. I will not become him.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

3am and the rain is falling, falling. Went to catch the Man U match agaisnt Arsenal with a couple of my friends at an Arsenal pub. Just me and my fellow man u supporter agaisnt the legion of arsenal fans. Had a couple of babes there too. Woo :) Received a msg out of a blue from someone i havent heard from in ages. Just kinda let our friendship fade away quietly in hope that she will finally manage to settle down with him. As yet again, there were no replies after that, been nagging at my mind, but oh well, cant take care of her forever, she will know where to look if she really needs help.
Just languidly watching the days go by, life seems kinda aimless and mundane. But then again, im sharing these days with a bunch of people that bring me much laughter. It is to be said that im often a migrant, moving in and out of cliques. I dont think i do it out of the idea of being a social butterfly, but i just kinda come and go? Only a couple of peeps have really stuck with me through these years.
Eventually no matter where i go or end up, i just return back to my own thoughts. Perhaps im trying to understand myself through the people i meet, people are always telling me that i think too much, but these ponderings have often given me insights that are oft lacking in others. This gift of having the ability to anaalyse, improvise , a ghetto kind of 6th sense has helped in so many situations. But it always leads me to wonder about more and more things. Im wonder boy! hur hur..
Have another match tomorrow, knowing i have a match coming at the week end often makes my weekday so much more pleasant. Wish me luck. Ciaoz

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Meh, just realised I have 2 bloody pathetic posts to show for this year. Guess thats good in a way, since i seem to derive with most of my stuff when im in my moody moods anyways. This has been a year of startling revealations, things have a way of unravelling themselves at times. Certain events have happened that i cannot bear to put to words, written or otherwise. I am surprised at how i handled them, has it become mere indifference or numbness? Or maybe, acceptence. Escapism, a way of life i ran away to, hoping that if i dont see it, its not there. Somehow, the pain of those around me always draws me back. Responsibility? Is it possible not to feel it when you love someone? When i see my loved ones suffer, especially my beautiful sister, i always ask, "Why not me?" It dosent really stem from self loathing, no i dont really think it does, but somehow, the seeming ease with which i view my own life as nothing scares me sometimes. The past 5 years have really been difficult, struggling with my own demons and fighting agaisnt the demons of his. As i sit here before my laptop typing this, it is with a tranquility and detachedness that i rarely experience anymore. This calm that exists when tired bodies are recharged, gearing up to run another lap of the great rat race.

Dreams, they been plauging my sleep much more often these days. The randomness of the dreams scare me. I have always had such vivid dreams, well strucutred and defined. Ive dreamt of being in the matrix ( agent smiths and slo mo effects included. no shit) , of haunted lifts and never ending flights of stairs, of soaring amongst the stars, of random technicolor animations.
however, the dreams lately are almost sparse, naked. Fractured in sequences, i am unable to draw any meaning from them at all. I hardly have any stage 2 sleep anymore. i just seem to flirt from dream to dream to dream. I keep feeling like i should be seeing something, but it seems to flirt out of sight everytime i turn a corner, only managing to catch glimpses of something. Who knows, maybe it just something passing. Only time will tell.