Screaming out in pain but there is no air to carry my voice.

Torn in suffocation, I stretch my hand out to you only to be grounded to dust by burning memories.

You taught me to be patient,
You taught me to be fine,
And You taught me to be balanced,
And You taught me to be kind.
Now that you are gone,
Where should my dreams reside?
You were my only light,
My only guide.
Down to my last breath as I call your name,
All i got in return was an echo on a heartless breeze.
Would you still watch over me,
Would you still hold me?
Where are you now?

We fly because it reminds us how little everything matters. If it were 50-50, let it be known that I would still do it.

I dreamt that I was outside the room of a girl. Her room was in this block beside mine on the first level but in reality there isnt. Somehow my dreams always place apartments on the first level of this block when it is really just a lobby.

The windows were all open and there were velvety steps leading up to them. There was no one in there at first. The owner of the room felt familiar to me but I do not know who it is.
The room was pretty normal except for two things. It felt like the room was a soft musky red in tone.

Secondly, on the wall of the room were these words in bright glowing pink neon lights.

"I'm always held running in the same spot by your words
Whose meaning have long been swept away by the wind
But still the ghosts of it wouldn't let me go"

The girl suddenly appeared and I was suddenly filled with fear

"Please do not take offense I didn't mean any harm by coming in uninvited"

She nonchalantly walked past me and lay on her bed, like it didnt matter at all and my presence was adknowledged.

A sudden wave of empathy and sadness washed over me. This analogy suddenly appeared in my head and I related it to the girl.

Its a story of an ant which kept collecting all sorts of bits and pieces, bring them back into its nest. It does this without knowing that its crushing its own nest under the weight of all these stuff that its collecting.

The price of that long gone love has been paid for a thousand times over with the tears that you have shed in its passing. It's enough.

An ode to you.

A scantilating gaze, lined with tears.
Across an ocean of heartaches you came to me.
Broken wings and fleeting dreams.
To whom do you sing, this disenchanted melody.

How did you find me, in these pain-filled meadows?
Did the sun and clouds lead you to me?
Their passing could only lead you closer to your destiny,
The rainbow that appears after a storm,
Ill be waiting at its end.

Make a wish, embrace the past,
Life is never without pain nor joy
Leave your dreams with me,
Soar with me to where our Love leads us.


Baby, you gave me the courage to give up one of my wings so I could soar with you.
Let us find the courage in each other to be able to Love fully again.
You made me believe once again that Love does exist. I Love You.

How many Decembers ago when we were just walking along. A tiny patter of feet and a light flutter of heart. We had no words but in the silence we wrote enough a million books to fill. High upon the cosmos the lights twinkled and the moon sang. A little sonata and a tidy witty ditty. The world was dancing around us and yet it feels almost asleep. A locking of lips in a quiet little street. Just you and me and our hearts to speak.

The lives we live through in the eyes of others.
The lies that the eyes belies, the smiles the tears' vanguard.
The waking hours haunted by the fleeting dreams of the sleeping.
The eccentricity of the erudite, the pragmatism of the elite,
Which life do we live, to us with which it belongs?
Which life do we live, through the eyes the others see?
The lives we live through in the eyes of others.

A song, a melody, a symphony and a ditty. The notes we write and the scores we fill. Each our parts to play, an orchestra our fates to seal. The world a mere stage, the audience but ourselves. We dance, we cry, we sing and we fly. Each part performed, with parts to come. The chorus spinning into concertos dancing into ballet most gracious. Drums clashing with heavy mteals' roar, picolos' whistling glorious summers' light. Each part performed, with parts to come. Life is nothing without a song and a dance, for we are the song and the dance. The world is but a stage and our lives the ever ending score.

A broadwalk of yellow faded tiles, faint atumn leaves falling through the gentle breeze. A gentle drizzle falling from the brooding sky, shrouding everything in a wistful mist. The weary traveller trudges on, water running dust off his beaten frame. The sun slinks along its merry way heading home, heralding forth the brightening glow of a naked night.

The Paradise that we seek, so wrought with haze and visions recede. The paths of the righteous crossing, damnation to whom doth belong? In a world where the justice sleeps and the innocent weep, where doth lie the Paradise that we seek? A compromise, a little handshake. Where black fades into white and all becomes grey. Our identities lost to the pursuit of others' dreams. What once was the Paradise that we sought? Do you remember or have you forgotten? How were we once full of fight, fire in our bellies and hearts with might. They whisper in our ears and spit in our ideals, they trample on our hopes and steal our souls. Our eyes that weep tears forever blinded, how do we see, the Paradise we once saw true and clear. Where art thou, the Paradise that seem never to be.

1. I am fiercely passionate.
2. I carry my heart out on my sleeves for the world to see.
3. To me, we should ignore the expectations and constraints of society to live our lives ur own way
We only have 1 life and its ourselves that we will face as we lie on our deathbeds.
4. I would die for my friends and family.
5. Thankfully, with regards to point 4, I do not have many friends.
6. I would never pretend to be someone's friend. If im talking to you, it means I like you.
7. In all my years of riding from when I'm 21 to when I'm 23, I have gotten into 8 accidents. Only 2 were
through faults of my own, crashing on the racetrack.
8. I love to read but I do not like Biographies. I once read close to 200 novels in a year.
9. I first Scuba Dived when I was 14.
10. I actually won an award for Chinese Handwriting before. Can you believe it?
11. I like acting in theatre. Its one of the avenues I would have pursued if my parents were rich.
12. Gambling does not like me because I always lose. 300 applicants for a 280 prize lucky draw I can be one of the 20 that doesn't get anything. Therefore I do not like gambling.
13. I love to cook but I hate cleaning up!!!
14. I take 4 hours to wash my car.
15. Kids love me because I'm a bigger version of themselves.
16. The elderly love me because I'm like a kid, minus all their annoying traits.
17. I totally dislike social banter. It goes nowhere and you get awkward silences peppered through as you try to bring up another totally irrevelant topic.
18. I do not like to talk when I'm eating. I love to eat and I concentrate hard on enjoying my food. Please save the conversation for the after meal drink.
19. I am glad I am alive but I am not afraid of dying.
20. My defination of stupid differs from most people.
21. I love to sing but people dont like it when I do and I dunno why :(
22. If I dislike you, stay away from me. I am mean when I dislike you.
23. I was only 155cm when I was in secondary 4. Thank God that he got tired of the joke and decided to let me grow as normal after years of being joked upon.
24. I love heights and I love speed. I am an adreneline junkie.
25. I want to finish a marathon, biathlon, tri-athlon. I want to scale Mount Everest. I want to learn to fly a plane, I want to travel the world on foot. I want to hang-glide, I want to see the Sun-Set while Sky diving.

Shower of nails agaisnt roof slates dressed in the most sombre grey. A deafening screech jostling the shredded masks for space along an alley of battered tiles. Shattered windows lining the weed overrun path, each lightning flash revealing a glimpse of the wretched beings within. Beings where hope holds no meaning and suffering no longer applies. A hunched figure trudges pass, covered in a shroud of the deepest red. Leaving lingering footprints of sand and sweat, nails passing through him like whispers lost in the wind. A sun of the darkest black rears its head over the horizon and time freezes as the world is turned into void. All that remains, a figure shourded in the deepest red.

The world is shrinking at an alarming rate and its people at an even faster rate. Globalisation with its mass armies of Starbucks, Macdonalds, Nikes and Coca Colas are breaching all the walls of social identitys and customs. Fed with cookie cutter menus and barrages of ideals, fashion and linguistic lingo, most Asian Capitals I have come across seem almost alike, except for perhaps the levels of sanitary conditions and varying levels of poverty. Look further beyond that, at the people in the streets, I can't help but feel the increasingly apparant detachment and loneliness in their eyes. Globalisation in its bid to turn the world into an efficient and seamless clockwork has also created a seething monster. The monster of redundancy.

In a universe where every given resource only has that much to give, what have we sacrificed for this delusional Utopia that some of us live in? Look in the company that you work in or the society that we live in, taking away 10% of the people around you will prove no impact. How many of the people who live in squeaky clean Singapore know even 10 or 20 of the hundreds of people living in the same block as them? This world some of us live in, where water comes at the twist of a wrist and light appears like magic with the flick of a thumb, safety is no longer a concern. We are geared to work like cogs in a clock, to keep it moving always. We serve a function but we are not indispensable. I see all the people around me who are content to live in this life that is incongruous with all that led us here in the first place. We keep chasing and chasing to be like people who live halfway across the globes from us, to become "better" and "more cool". Those us who refuse to suffer the ignominy of being the same as everone out there are labelled as bigots and outcasts. My self is screaming out at this increasingly grey world where any attempt to fall off the well beaten mainstream path gets frowned upon, where they try and lead you back unto the "right path". Detachment. Lonliness. The pointlessness of it all when at the end, all that marks who you once were is a place 6 ft down under, a stirring eulogy of what you once was. A bucket of tears and the ever fading echoes of memories sifting through the fingers of those few who cared.

I'm sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that's good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight

Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I'll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply

To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

That which we are searching for seems never able to be found. A jigsaw puzzle forever missing a piece. A peg fittin into a hole with 1 edge always seemingly extra. How do we Love? This Perfect person in our hearts and yet so imperfect in our eyes. How do we Love? The poignant truth of the narrow human soul struggling with the galaxical need of forgivness that true Love is. How can we always see, beyond the ugliness, the flaws mired deep within our complexities and insecurities? How can we feel, the Love we know that exists, a warm fireplace in the harshest chill any winter can bring. the Paradise that we seek, so wrought with haze and visions recede. The Paradise that we chase with our mights, always just out of our tired arms' reach.

Looking in those eyes, a gulf so deep and far. I hear the apologies unspoken in your voice, you must feel it too. Tears uninvited meandering down my face, this gulf so deep and far. How can I reach you, this place of brimstone and flames? I think a part will me can never grow up, can never stand tall and face the world. The child that stopped growing because of your rejection, locked away in a land in solitude. It is this child thats sending the tears right now, that yearns to experience Father, for good or for bad. Rejection is a fate worse than death or torture. It denies you existence and it denies you indentity. During the coldest of nights like this at my vulnerable most, i see the child sitting in a corner legs tucked under his arms. This immerse sadness, this longing for what should have been but never was. This hopelessness.despair.dejection. Sleep refuses to come take this away. Where can I go?

I feel so sad.

A song, a melody, a symphony and a ditty. The notes we write and the scores we fill. Each our parts to play, an orchestra our fates to seal. The world a mere stage, the audience but ourselves. We dance, we cry, we sing and we fly. Each part performed, with parts to come. The chorus spinning into concertos dancing into ballet most gracious. Drums clashing with heavy mteals' roar, picolos' whistling glorious summers' light. Each part performed, with parts to come. Life is nothing without a song and a dance, for we are the song and the dance. The world is but a stage and our lives the ever ending score.

A pin and a drop, bunny out of a hat why not? The stargazer's dilema in the galaxy's heart, an emperor's new clothes dazzles and bedazzles. An eenie meenie miney mo allakhazam proof and presto. A wave of a wand dancing with lights and Houdini's last dance through the night.

The Paradise that we seek, so wrought with haze and visions recede. The paths of the righteous crossing, damnation to whom doth belong? In a world where the justice sleeps and the innocent weep, where doth lie the Paradise that we seek? A compromise, a little handshake. Where black fades into white and all becomes grey. Our identities lost to the pursuit of others' dreams. What once was the Paradise that we sought? Do you remember or have you forgotten? How were we once full of fight, fire in our bellies and hearts with might. They whisper in our ears and spit in our ideals, they trample on our hopes and steal our souls. Our eyes that weep tears forever blinded, how do we see, the Paradise we once saw true and clear. Where art thou, the Paradise that seem never to be.

Resounding casading waves crashing upon shifting sands. A mortal fool's toil on wanderlusting soil. Dancing mirrors with lies, hazy mirages carry deceit. Words that hold no meaing and pacts that dance with nimble feet. A weeping widow upon an ailing balcony stand, the glow of a lucent beam watches with malicious intent. Streets where hollow orphans cry and callow jesters dance. Sanity mugged and saints bleed holy blood.


A world where Darkness grips, where Darkness no longer exists due to the lack of light, but light becomes an absence of the Darkness itself.

A finger across the blackest board, a sound unbearable. The mind rejects
and the heart flinches, rakes across fragile wavering shields. Desperate shackles and feeble
graps, as the heart fights agaisnt a battle that can never be won. Like the last crimson leaf
thats falls on a chilly autumn day, the promise of harsh unwavering cold seeps into the mortal
coils of the receiver. An act so pure, so uncalculated and wanton, an impact so overwhelming
and deadly. Like rising bile and poisonous sulphur, a scent most foul and lingering hangs on
with its seductive and gripping tendrils. Is the balance between acceptance and rejection always
so precariously balanced, does the heart always freeze so easily? What then, is this love that we
men so speak of, so revere and worship? Is it a state of mind, a lie? As with the fall of the
last crimson leaf, all questions and answers soon to be buried in a graveyard of ice
and nothingness.

Running, I was running.
To where I did not know, to a place a cannot see. Any other place must be better than where I am, therefore I ran. My lungs were burning and my tears watered but still I didn't stop. Till I met you.
You stopped me dead in my tracks, a twinkle in the darkness, a tinkle amongst the thunder. Like an azure lighting up velvet darkness, it was then that I understood. People who find life beautiful within all the misery and emptiness are the people who see. They see that with all these moments that get you down hides happiness.

To me, life is beautiful because of something that is invisible to all that is around me. They look with their eyes and they cannot see whats hidden in yours when you stare right at mine. This love we share and the future we promise each other.
They see us holding hands but they cannot feel the electricity running through our hands. They gaze at us embracing each other but they cannot feel the warmth coursing through our veins. What they see is but a shell, whats important is invisible to them.

this is our little secret, which naked eyes can never see. Its my fragile treasure, like a rose in a storm. My treasure that I keep in a little glasshouse, my treasure that I water each day to keep it evergreen. A treasure only for your eyes and mine.

4am and sleep eludes me.
Feeling strangely melancholic.

A field of daffodils,
Sky holding the summer light.
A stroll, A hop and a little twirl.
Glasses strewn across,
Topaz sky over a blood red earth.
Gashing ankles, tattered flesh.
A fatal dance in an emerald field,
Twinkling rubies chasing diamond shards.
To embrace the beauty and yet suffer the pain.

Forever a promise so hard to keep,
Forever a distance so far to reach,
Forever a word how easy to speak,
Forever a meaning no one to teach.
A Forever held in history streaks,
The Forever a promise will you keep?

You are a snowy dove flying far and free,
Surrounded by larks who serenade you with melody.
An eagle I am, aloof and lonely,
Forever with eyes the horizon see.

Two spirits who soar in the skies,
A bound achingly blue sky.
How wide and endless an entity,
How did we even meet, pray thee?

Do we dare soar side by side,
Lest we encumber each other and crash?
Is there a way to be close,
And yet we continue to fly?

When the music has forsaken us and the stars are all dead, where do we go from there?
Soul in tatters, Beat long dead.
A song of chords in disarray, a melody without rhythem
Its a sham, nothing but lies, no lights to see you by, no symphony in Song.
Disharmony of accords, shambolic symbolism runs riot in a cacophany of anarchism.
Rebirth bears nothing but destruction, better off with no past no present no future.


The truth of the millions in passing buried by the lies of a single mastermind.
A God who sees everything but cares about nothing.
Humanity is but a passing cloud in an Ocean of Destinies.
Just as a feather bears no weight agaisnt a titanous monument, the blood of all Humanity but a mere drop in the sea of fate.
And yet the tears of Mankind a million oceans doth fill, the eyes of the Alpha and The Omega run dry.

Sometimes when we break free of our shackles, we find that we do not really know what we truly want

[Girl of 5 or 6 running down the corridoor as the pair fades away]

The little girl with large wild eyes, eyes with an unwavering hint of steel hidden become them. She scampers around the place, oblivious to the sins being committed around her. As she passes by 2 siblings of around her age, they looked at her with contemptuous eyes. Keeping a distance away from her as if she was a disease, they seemed almost afraid of her. Taking a quick step forward that surprised the both of them, the little girl manages to whisper a single word into the ears of the boy before he could react. His eyes went wide and his lips started to tremble. Ashen faced, he looked around with fugitive eyes, as if expecting something terrible to happen. The sister fixed the little girl with a scornful glare and tried to make the boy reveal the word which was whispered. However, this is a word that is forbidden in this time and age, a word that you keep sealed within you if you wanted to live. Instead, the boy takes out a piece of drawing charcoal and drew a picture of a soaring Lark on the ground, the emblem of Freedom.

The both of them started chasing the girl, wanted to hand her over to the inquisitors for the atrocity that she just committed.

[Beginning of cut back flash scenes]

The consequences for a single word uttered, a word that reflected the hearts of millions. A word that brings hope and mortal fear at the same time. The girl will come to pay the price for that desire, a price she may never be able to finish paying.

If the girl had been born in any other place in these tremulous time, she would have been dead many times over.

[Flash scene]

Same little girl, slightly older. The hair all around the sides of her head is shaved, leaving a long mop of hair on top, tied in a pony tail. Heavily tattooed across her whole body, the markings suggests that they are a form of punishment and not chosen for their asthetic sense. An elderly woman, probably her mother, can be seen talking to her in the foreground.

However, she was born into a brothel; the best of the entire empire, where she could hone her talents and strengthen her ideals

[Flash scene]

Same girl, drinking from a filthy pot, parents unceremoniously buried on a hill which can be seen from the window. She has no one in the world now and yet the bright outlook mirrored in those crystalline eyes never once left her. The yearning of freedom uplifting her, setting her soul with an unquenchable fire.

So this girl grew, learning dancing, martial arts, calligraphy, the pleasuring of men and most importantly, the ability to bend the minds of others to suit her needs. she consorted with many powerful men, winning undying affection and favours. In particular, one and only one man stood out amongst all the rest, the young man who would eventually grow up to become the ruler of empire.

[Flash scene]

The little girl gets caught by the siblings

[Fade to teenage girl and boy running down the corridoors]

[Fade to future scene where a man and a woman are talking]

End of Chapter 2

Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded and that heaven is overrated.

-Heart achingly beautiful, so simple a line, an ocean of emotions all mirrored into a drop. Made me tear just reading it. Touched-

I yearn to soar, to fly surrounded by clouds passing by. This mundane earth with all that it brings tires me.

"Man has always yeared freedom, but at what price are we willing to pay for it? When freedom has been attained, we ask ourselves, is the price that Freedom commands truly worth it?"

[The din of men's laughter and women's giggling]

A young girl, bordering on the bloom of womanhood, an irrestible innocence about her with just a hint of the secrets she kept behind the facade. Secrets that promises ecstasy and unimaginable pleasures.

She is holding a young man slightly younger then her, exuding a barely concealed excitement and anticipation.

Holding his hands, she leads him through exquisite corridoors and rooms half running. The scent of musk hangs deep in the hair, the walls bear a tinge of the darkest purple, almost black.
Ornate pillars form the supports of the building, carvings of men and women engaged in exotic sexual positions carved across them. The rooms are seperated from the corridoors merely by curtains of hanging crystals. Crystals that reflect the candle light, conjuring dancing shadows through the air.
In the rooms itself, sprawling divans covered with princely furs and plush velvet cushions provides the stage for the various acts. Incense burners hidden within the divans glow darkly, filling the room with a flim of hazy cloud, inducing the illusion of a dream like state.

They enter into a common bath area where a mass orgy is going on, despite his inexperience, his face shows no sign of shyness and his eyes gleamed with carnal hunger. Going past the room, they chance upon an aqquaintance of hers, no doubt having been closely "aqquainted" with her in the past. "Such charisma, she embraces her wretched life so readily and without guilt. Could there be such an innocent person in the world?" The man thought to himself. Passing the man, they continued through the endless corridoors.

[Scene fades away to a young girl of 5 or 6 running down the same corridoor]

End of Chapter 1

Someone I know's going through a rough patch lately. Words that this person written particularly stung me with its starkness and yet somehow such intense emotions came through those words. It made me think alot about our actions and expectations surrounding the actions that we have taken and in return, the consequences. The consequences of our actions are sometimes partly determined by the expectations we have too. The higher the expections, the greater the disappointment as they say.

However, I firmly stand by a view point. A piece of memory is eternally with you but pain doesnt. The physical and metaphysical scars that we suffer, on our bodies and upon our hearts and souls, they remind us of the pain we once felt, once suffered. I know how the scars came to and remember in every minute detail of my actions and expectations, with the scar as a consequence.

But I forgot how the pain felt.

The pain, the fears which so threatened to overwhelm during those times seemed so great, unbearable. And yet I forgot how the pain felt. I have multiple scars on my body born from multiple accidents I have had on my bike. I tell you, it fucking hurts everytime you fall, and it fucking hurts even more when you get jaded nurses dressing your wounds, scrubbing your open skin like you are a piece of meat waiting to be disinfected and placed on the market shelves. It hurts every night you try to sleep, every movement you make which causes the scab that is forming to split. Somehow though, I dont really remember how it all felt like. I am sure if I come into contact with it again, I will definately recognise it, like how we recognise long lost friends on the streets. But I can only remember that it hurt, not how.

However, those moments of exhilaration that I have felt on my bike, I vividly remember everything. Even the emotions. It is the memory of these emotions that lets me look forward to each ride everyday like its my first. I have ridden almost everyday for over a year since getting my license and each ride still excites and thrills me. Maybe its a natural defence mechanism our body and mind has, to remember the good and not-so-remember the bad but maybe that's just reckless me.

Even more so in relationships, I hang on to every word spoken by the hers. The loving moments and sometimes too vividly, the painful consequences. Like before, I remember how much it hurt but I cant feel it nor does it affect me much. Yet when I remember the happy times, it still manages to bring a smile to my face or a glow to my heart, even when walking alone down a busy street.

So to this person I say, hang on tight to all these that you remember. Come down the road and you will realise that the pain was but a mere inconvinence. The moments that takes your breath away, those are forever.

Back in Secondary School, we were not that good but we trained hard and we gave it our all. We lost but we were happy. Boy grew up, searched for a team and one took him in, he was raw and he was enthusiastic, he didnt get much chances to play but he was happy.
Boy got invited into another team, he gained experience and he improved by leaps and bounds. The team lost more often then not, but he was learning and he was happy.

Boy grew in experience but he also grew in pride. He became the darling of the team, eventually the team broke up and Boy joined another team. On their day, Boy's team was a joy to play with and a sight to behold. They won game after game after game and Boy was a part of the clock work. Slowly he forgot what was it like to lose, and when he lost, he grew fustrated.

Boy's head grew bigger, he got into his school team and got picked after a tournament to attend a selection to represent Singapore on an ameteur level. Then he fell, he fell so hard and so very fast that he couldn't stand up.

"It doesnt matter if we win 10-0 or lost 10-0, as long as all 11 players fight for each other and give our all. We walk off the pitch with our heads held high."
Words Boy stood by, words that he gave to the team he lead. He had forgotton them. He had forgotton what was it that had pushed him on and made him strong. He only cared about winning and he fell.

I am back. Thanks for returning these words to me coach. Wont ever lose them again. Ever.

The aching heart looks upon the tear stained sky.
Stars which shine with callousness scorn upon its wretchedness.
Aloof and filled with disdain,
they burnt with cold fire on an even colder night.
What is this greating meaning that I seek,
Would it be worth this weight which I keep?
With a limping canter and a tedious old banter,
helpless do I watch as Destiny ups the ante.
Flesh may decay and bones to dust,
A spirit that never wavers possess I must.
A deed I must do and fade away do I.
Away.


Eternity. The very notion of it, it scares me.

Downtrodden.

Came back from a wonderful trek during the past weekend with a couple of awesomemy peeps. What a rollercoaster ride it turns out to be following that though. On Monday as I was heading back from school, my bike EXPLODED ! Yes, it freaking exploded. My engine decided to take an early trip to heaven or wherever it is that engines go to. My piston disintegrated (yes you read correctly and I am not exaggerating), block CRACKED and conrod snapped into two. My mechanic who has been fixing phantoms for 6 years has never seen a case like this. And I WAS DUE TO TRADE IN THE BIKE FOR MY 400CC IN -F I F T E E N- DAYS. I would have gotten back 2k for it but nooooooooo my bike decided to die and now im getting 300 back for it.

To spit into my face and rub salt in my wounds, God decided to deal me another winning hand! On wednesday, i decided to finish up my excel project and promptly took out the CD i stored my files on. WHEE! no files! The CD showed a full memory and it was totally blank inside. YAY I am gonna enjoy redoing my project so much! Thanks for the love God! You bitch.

Where have all the colours gone?

14th September. The day i gave up my life's greatest passion. Soccer. It is the one thing in my life that I have worked the hardest for, that is the most sacred to me. Are there words that exist that can even describe my feeling of lost? But it seems to me that all I have managed to achieve is but of a mediocre standard. I cannot accept that, its just not me.

Another part of me has died, little by little as time passes by, fade away I shall.

You are living such a wretched life I do not know why you continue on. Pathetic Pathetic Pathetic. Your existence is denied by the very being that gave it to you and you spend your meaningless life chasing empty dreams. Your spirit is but broken and your nature hollow. Go closer to the edge and leap for it, its the most that you can ever do.

Fei grew up in an foster home in the village of Nacal. An elderly couple took him in when he was 3, found shivering and on the verge of death at their doorstep. They took him in and brought him up. Fei grew up to be an exceptional boy, he was faster, stronger and quick-witted. Trained and educated by the monks at the local monestary, he soon surpassed all his peers and received the personal attention of the Elder of the monestary.

Fei charged at Yau, his mentor, Elder of the Lethis Monestary. As he neared Yau, Fei feinted a kick at his head and pivoted instantly on the other leg, aiming a backhand smash into Yau's temple. Yau parried the blow and staggered backwards slightly. Taking advantage of his slight loss in balance, Fei launched into his signature move. " ULTIMATE FLYING DRAGON KICK!!!" With one leg extended and the other retracted, Fei flew forwards at astonishing speed. It was a blow that has uprooted trees and disintergrated boulders into dust but Yau held his ground and blocked the blow with one hand. With a backward swing, he smashed Fei into the ground, forming a mini crater.

"How..."

Fei was shocked, he had put everything he had into that kick and Yau stopped him with one hand.

"Fei, there are forces in this world that goes beyond physical strength. I think you are ready for the next part of your training."

"?"

"Come with me and you will understand"

At that moment, an explosion shook through the monestary. Suddenly, screams were heard everywhere and the sound of blood being spilled formed the chilling backdrop of a world painted red.

End of Chapter 2

" And from the heavens the angelic hosts came. They were bourne with wings of the softest gold and skin of the harshest silver. They were the Shar'dhal , created to guide mankind towards his destiny. "

Book of Judas 3:16, Dead Sea Scrolls AD 56

The ruling party of the Shar'dhal had been shaken by the Lacan incident. The man who dared challenge God's Chosen Ones. He single handedly wiped out almost the whole council before the Arch Counsellor Morin'dhal managed to subdue and eventually eradicate him. To prevent such cases from ever happening again, the Council placed limiters into the craniums of all the humans living on the planet and tightenend their terrifying grip on the populance.

Lacan incident neutral eyewitness report. Source unknown


Destiny, Fate, Karma. Different names born from the same beast. The ultimate paradox. Freewill and Destiny. If Free will exists, where does destiny lie? Does destiny fufil itself or does the knowledge of destiny bring it about?


The only memory Shin had of his father was the picture of his once complete family held in an ornate cross frame. The cross was covered with runic symbols which interwined to hold the picture in the middle. Whenever Shin felt down or lonely, the cross he wore around his neck seemed to glow an azure silver and emite a comforting warmth. His mother tried to play the role of both parents to her best extent but it is a difficult time to live in, more so as a single parent.

"SHIN!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME! COME OUT RIGHT NOW!"

Shin tried to stifle a giggle, holding it back with both hands cupped to his mouth. He was not a very big boy for his age but he was agile like a cat. Crouching in the shadows provided by the table, he lay in wait as his mother walked by yelling for him. As she came into view, he flew out with a yelp and tangled himself in his mother's legs, laughing all the time.

"Oh what am I to do with you,"

Sophia looked into those large innocent eyes and cant help but be bemused.

"For someone with a demure outlook as you, you sure are deviously mischiveous. You are so much like your father when he was young..."

Whenever Sophia thought about Fei, a look of sadness and longing thats transcends time itself breaks Shin heart. Even at the age of 6, he realises how much his mother missed his father. He stood up and looked up into her eyes, hugging her legs.

"Thank you dear, do not worry, mama will be fine."

She carried Shin up into her arms and hugged him as he threw his small arms around her neck.

" Your hair of the darkest black, the way it remains unkempt no matter how much i brush it. Those eyes which shine with innocence and mischief at the same time, the angular features. You are so much like your father it is scary, Shin. He is all that I have now God, please do not allow him to suffer the same fate Fei did."

Sophia's thoughts drifted from Shin towards that fateful night 3 years ago...

End of Chapter One

"I lied, I never ran out of paint, I just wanted to continue painting forever."
The life of a man named Lacan and countless others.

"She was so beautiful. Her lightly brown hair that caught the sun as she tossed her hair back. Her eyes, crystalline and clear, they had such compassion in them, it made you feel as if nothing could go wrong when she was around."

These were the last thoughts of Lacan as he mouthed the words, " RAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG STTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRM!!!!" And the world was torn asunder.



For those thinking wtf? This is a prologue im doing for this story im gonna try write. Bear with me if it sucks.

-Reflections-

Anger, a part of me still rages deep down inside. My resolve in keeping it under control has been strong but each time I have a brush off with my father, it just brings my resolve down to my knees. Like a blade of grass in a howling wind, I hold my own but my emotions sways with abandon. What is it that I am angry at? His ill hidden pretense at caring? His indifference towards me through my whole life? The deep seated pain and insecurity that plagues my sleep and haunts my memories? Yearning to weep but the tears wont come, my soul is drowning in the tears that I hold in me. I feel so fragile and so vulnerable. Seeking to care for and protect the people around me hides that. The sense of empowerment that comes with offering protection alleviates the glass tingling shatter I hear over and over again. Therefore is my concern but a sham? A pretense? Who am I really? I pray for an enlightened soul who is able to see past what I have failed to see and tell me that someday.

Bitter and sore.

A night of reverie ends up leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Revenge may be sweet, but to me, it seems like no points gained but two points lost. Blame it on my ego, but it seems that I have never truly learnt the art of indifference. The pangs of serving sweet justice won over and I ended up looking like some jester, juvenile and jackass all rolled into one. Then again, a brush with my promiscous nature was interesting to say the least. Thrilling, skipping around, touching bases and prancing around like some vagabound. There is a carefree irresponsible feeling, wanton and invigorating. Somehow though, looking back, it feels callous and insignificant. The exuburance of the moment fails to surpass the aftermath of comtemplation. Haven't really felt so disgusted with my actions for a long long time. The value of connection weighs upon my mind far beyond anything flippant fancies may bring.

A jealous lover I am, forever I will be.

-Contemplations-

Love is many a thing and comes with many a form.
My love is selfish and jealous as they come.
Difficult to accept that I am not the only one, pensive is the heart.
Yet, my love is also desperate, holding on by every mean.
They say if its true love its free, freely do the love they give.
But yet no Saint am I, not a Saint I am meant to be.
Therefore a jealous lover will I be, be it true love or not we'll see.

-Contemplations-

Love is many a thing and comes with many a form, my love is selfish and jealous.
Difficult to accept that I am not the only one, morose is the heart.
Yet, my love is also desperate, hanging on like life's dependance.
They say if its true love its free, freely do the love they give.
But yet no Saint am I, not a Saint I am meant to be.
Therefore a jealous lover will I be, be it true love or not we'll see.

Upon the night winds where we strode, was the first time I wished that a moment never left. I will keep it under lock and key, for no matter what comes next, let what must come be.

Take my hands oh Bringer of Light,

waltzing me through the Land of Blight.

Eternal fires burning bright,

dance with Devil through the night.

We live, we cry, we laugh, we die.
The smiles are quick to go and the tears are slow to dry.
Struggle to find meaning and confusion's easy to arrive.
The simpleton who's content and the genius who's misplaced.
Paradoxal emotions run abound, simplicity's a treat.
Alas, if only a manual to life content be found.

I know i shouldn't but I have.
I know i should but I did not.
History repeats itself once again,
Falling when I should have never,








Love ya.

Love is akin to a rainbow. You know it will not last, you can't help but stop, mesmerised in all its scantilliating glory.

If a reality exists that holds us togeher, let me be whisked away and never to return.

The past revisited.

A peek however small,
towards the past it draws.
A picture; a fragment,
Memories held dormant.

I would have given up the world then to be with you, I would have sacrificed my life for you. I would have done anything to bring a smile. And yet it wasnt to be. Not yet.
Fate which binds draws us apart. It drew us apart once, how so very very far and yet, like a twisted puppet master, it worked the strings again. This time it brings us here. The roads we had taken then we know not of each other. Yet somehow we are on the same road again.

Where will it take us?

http://www.faqs.org/faqs/dreams-faq/lucid-dreaming-faq/

Lucid dreams, interesting. Me, being the curious ferret I am tried it out as soon as I read it. Astonishing results, considering that it was my first attempt and a half assed attempt at that.

I have been studying about dreams for a while so a few of the techniques for inducing it made sense to me. Following some of the techniques featured, I managed to get into a somewhat controlled dream. Kinda like when you just learnt swimming, you manage to swim a little then sink and then you start swimming again.

I mainly used the thirst technique plus a little of the others. In my first dream, i did not realise that i had already entered into a dream state. In that dream ( lets call it alpha dream incase of confusion) I was actually trying to induce my mind into a Lucid dream. Amazing thing is that, in alpha, i ACTUALLY managed to induce a lucid dream! ( Dream Beta). I used the RC (reality check, read the article) of Water. That is, telling myself that I will know I am dreaming once i see any form of liquid thats meant for cunsumption. In Alpha, I went into Beta where i saw this evian water ad (yes, strange eh) whereby I managed to tell that I am dreaming, therefore i have control over everything. In beta, once i knew i was actually dreaming, the scenerio changed from the water Ad into this vague place where my family was having a reunion dinner of sorts. I knew i could do anything i wanted then, so what did I do? Being the attention whore i am , i called over my sister to show off. I pulled my head right off my shoulders and held it in my arms. Then i connected it back. Feeling omnipotent suddenly, i tried an even bigger stunt. I went to this corridoor in the building and then i cracked the earth into 2. Yes i literally split the earth before joining it back together. At this juncture, i left beta and went back into alpha again. In alpha, i was only semi conscious. I did the RC of checking the time on a clock, turning away then looking at it again. However, being in alpha, and wanting to believe that Beta was the actual dream and not alpha ( i didnt not know alpha was a dream then) my subconcious kept the times same. Seeing as the time was the same i was convinced that alpha wasnt a dream and proceeded to try enter another Lucid dream from alpha which failed. then i woke up.


Couple of curious things to note:

I entered from Alpha into Beta twice. However, it might have been because i was already in a dream, therefore wanting to enter into a Lucid dream state from that dream was much easier. (being in alpha made whatever i wanted to do infinately possible).

Secondly, I barely had control over my actions in alpha except maybe for the RC and the attempt to enter lucid dreaming. That was ALL the awareness i had.

In Beta, i did NOT have complete control too. The setting was not of my choice, though i knew i was dreaming then and was actively "conscious" of the fact of what I had tried to do and what i actually managed to achieve, abeit from alpha instead of from the real world. My actions, seemed somehow driven though, by another force, not that which is my conscious. I suspect that it is what most people would call our subconscious, our true nature, true self.

Concluding, this phenomena excites the hell out of me. Trust me that i will be doing much more experimentation in a much more disciplined attempts.

(NOTE: While i agree with most of their methods of dream inducing methods, alot of the hokey pokey stuff like out of body experiences, seeing the future, seeing places u never been to and meeting someone who has also induced a lucid dream. These i am skeptical about. However, if you read back on my entries, my experience in Taiwan has caught my curiousity about the out of body experience bit. We shall see what my future attempts hold)

Hello blog, hows it been. Feeling lonely out here? Me too.

Life, many a great philosopher have pondered over it. Greater meanings, life after death. In fact I seriously suspect religion was created sorely due to the insecurity towards life. The fragility, the futility of life. Oh how am I guilty of this..

I create a whirlwind of activity around myself, I plan my futures, work crazy long hours, do the things which I so very love. And yet when everything settles and I look back into my very soul. There lies an emptiness, a coldness that jarrs me to my bones, a gaping chasm that cant seem to be fufiled no matter what. Is this the very state that drives man towards the notion of divinity so very many years ago? That we see ourselves as so minute, so inconsequential that we have to conceptualise Greater Beings that in turn give us meanings? We give meaning to nothingness that it may give us meaning. How tragically ironical that the greatest gift our mind (awareness) gives us is also our greatest mental barrier.

To an outsider, I am the prodigal son, walking back on the right path headed towards a sterling future, fufiling my potential. However, inside me, nothing seems to have changed much. Its all a sham i tell you, a sham. Once a sonofabitch cynic, always will be one.


Heaved down my baggage and looked around,
Cut stones and wet marshes, not a sound.
I see the silence and hear the fog,
Mind and heart tumbling back in one accord.
Memories of roads travelled unraveled,
Ashes of tears; songs of sorrow; Tears of joy; throbs of love.
Paths once clear, now fields of dust.
Turned my shoulders walking on ..

'The weary man'

This is turning out to be a dark year. Lets hope that its only a rocky start. Why do we always conceptualise our own version of the world, then try to bend the world around it? This is usually fine, dreams and aspirations but when two persons with two different versions of how the world should be, you get issues. When both refuses to yield, you get a war, or a divorce. Meh.

My knuckles are turning blue,
My hands refuse to yield.
My mind has naught a clue,
My secrets my ego shield.
Looked into the mirror and asked, why.
Turns out he didnt have a clue, too.

The end of a long road travelled together. From the first game i played when ernest brought me in, to the distatrous second game i had as last man, to the changing of the team to what it is today. We have been called the red team the 3-5-2 team or the Real Mandrid team. We have gotten trashed, more often then i would have liked but we have had our moments of glory too.

You gave me the opportunity to grow from a fledgling into the player i am today. Ernest, Victor, Jeffery, Mark, David, Stencer and many others. You guys have been friends, mentors and brothers to me for the past 4 years. Maybe we are parting ways for now, but the memories will always stay with me. It is with such a heavy heart and soul that i am typing this. Let us let saturday be our swan song, our final battle together.

Been sometime since i written, but as usual, that can only mean that my life actually managed to be peaceful for once. As again, have had many thoughts but they seem so slippery, like fishies. Cant seem to gather them in 1 spot and just write them down. Comes and goes away as the day goes by. Oh well. Started to take up some form of reading, amazing how short my concentration span is right now. Better buck up if im gonna do the serious reading im planning on soon.

Dreams. One of the wonders in life if you asked me. Ive had the most vibrant, outrageous of dreams before, and its something i enjoy tremdously ( Think 3rd real life computer gaming!). However, it is also equally mysterious, ever so tantalising to my nerdy academic side.
I had one of those again, only this time, it was much more vivid then anything ive experienced. I KNEW i had been to the shop before the moment i stepped in, in my dreams that is. The layout and merchandise were almost exact in nature and the counter was exactly where it was. The shop was in Taiwan, where ive never obviously been to my whole life until that point of time. So did my mind construct the place? Or maybe the shop owner had the same dream as me and decided to set up as she has seen in her dream. Meh. Definately one of the questions im gonna ask God if i ever get to see him. Remind me pls.

I think i am finally able to release the burden ive carried on for so long, too long. Never been one who dwells on the past, this demon has been haunting me for too long a time. Maybe the best way of forgiving someone is just to remember the person for all the good memories brought. The pain still feels so close and real, its scary.

Some speak of the past and all that could have been,
yet others speak of the future and what it may be.

Woo hoo, i think im in love again. Took my bike out to JB for a good run and some nice cheap petrol. I think i was born to ride. The feeling is just so awesome! But as my bike is a puny 2b bike, the vibrations are baaad. Need to get a pair of gloves. Any sponsors out there!

I do not always get happy posts in my blog but this again is a happy post!
Man am i on a lucky streak or what. Took my Bike Tp on 27/07/2005, i am never the kind who really gets nervous before tests or anything, but as i was waiting for the man in white to wave me off, my right leg was actually trembling!
Long story short, i managed to just pass with 18 points ( 2 more points and it would have been game over) and now i am awaiting my lovely Cagiva Mito.

Havent decided on a name for her ( yes i already decided that its a she). Any ideas :D

Free ride for the one who comes up with the name i pick!

Woo woo

Amazing how simple sentences turn into classics, "It is very sunny here" from CPL Yap Peng Koon (2IC) will forever be etched into history on this day. I had decided to call off our Ubin exercise but due to this now famous sentence from CPL Yap, we ventured forth into the unknown.

Finishing our overrated Nasi Lemak at Changi Village Hawker, we proceeded to the ferry terminal. By the, the friendly fluffy white clouds were turning into not-so-friendly evil looking dark clouds. Still we went on. The ferry terminal had a makeover and it looked really nice and spiffy. But alas, the boats are the same ol wooden caskets we all come to know.

Upon arriving, just went we were picking our transport of choice when the skies struck first. Still we chose our various bikes and cycled off. Before even reaching the first turning, the waters came down in full force. We ended up seeking shelter in the training shack. Then them pussies started whining about mosquitoes and urged us smokers to shorten another 5 mins of our lives. Soon after cycling further, we were educated on how well PTE Ang Kok Heng handled his bike.
Long story short, it consists of lots of whining, screaming, 2 legged stops and generally humourous situations. I even had to dismount to push him up slope a few times. -_-

Also, as we neared our mission point, PTE AKH started to sense something was amiss. Our true agenda behind this exercise was to rid the world of one cyber pirate cum company comedian. The excecutors promptly lured him to a cliff on the pretext of scouting enemy forces then shoved him into the ravine. Pictures were taken but due to the damaging evidence that could be used agaisnt us, they shall not be posted (read:im too god damned lazy).

To celeberate, we went to pebble beach and had a stone throwing competition. Tied with 2 personal bests are first class PTE Eric Zhang and CPL Eric Cheung of 7 skips. Apparantly some thought rocks were stones and tried to throw them as well. Dumb soldiers. tsk.

All in all the exercise was ended with a seaside seafood feast and all round satisfaction from a day well spent.

PS. Audrey, if you read this I'm sorry for not making it, bad legs. I didnt forget your Birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. yeah its on July 17th i know, ill send you an sms then.

Also, due to the success of the exercise, the following soldiers shall be promoted.

First Class PTE Eric Zhang to MR Eric Zhang

CPL Frankie Nga shall replace CPL Yap Peng Koon as 2IC.

You know, I really wished that the people around you were wrong and I was right. But it was not to be. I tried being as good a mentor, friend and brother to you as best as i can be, but it appears that one's best is not good enough for you. Your help i appreciate and while you could not see the things that had been done for you too, it is fine, for there are no measures to count as such.

If you believe all the effort that i had put in before then werent enough, then i return all that i owe with that punch you gave me to my face. NO ONE ever got away touching my face, not even my god damned dad. And yet you tried to push it, thought i was soft. I have grown tolerant and patient but i have not grown soft. I feel no remorse for what i did but i pity you. Little by little you are just proving those whispers behind you right. I do hope you are reading this, for it will be my last piece of advise for you. Continue down this path, and your demise will be your own to shoulder.

Peace.

Effervescence personified,
If you had a metaphor,
You would have been a bubble everlasting.
Sailing upon Nature's whispers,
Floating light and free.
Colors of the Rainbow held captive,
Captivated as only I can be.

If one day you find that you are standing on the edge. Nothing seperating you from all that you have known and all that you do not and may come to know, but you. What would you do? Would you take the leap into the unknown? Or does the past and memories mean too much? What makes a man? Is a man without a past or a memory any less whole then a man with? Is the past consequential? We are molded by our history, can we still be what we are if all that history was gone? What's left? An empty shell or the true self?

If one day i find the edge and leap over it. Ill come back to tell the tale if it aint a one way ticket.

It feels like im walking through water and swimming through sand. Trying to fly with broken wings. Looking back at these 3 years, its amazing how much personal demons and external obstacles ive had to overcome. I dont know if i have grown from it or not, but im learning to deal with them instead of just running away. These recent spats of family issues have really drained me physically emotionally and mentally. Amazingly, i have managed to keep things together, however barely. If it had happened years ago i would have been in a terribly bad state.

Thinking about it, what kept me going on through all these is prolly my love for my sister. I dont not want her to go through the emotional wreckage that ive had to go through. If no one would put up a strong front and carry them forward, no one else will. As an elder brother and the eldest son, its my prerogative. But sometimes its hard, it feels like a burden so heavy i almost cannot breath, a knife so sharp i get torn apart. Is there no reprive from this loneliness and despair?

I dont dare try see what lay aheads, just taking it one day at a time. The day i see myself going down his path, the day i cease to exist. That kind of existence is not worth it, pathetic. I will not become him.

3am and the rain is falling, falling. Went to catch the Man U match agaisnt Arsenal with a couple of my friends at an Arsenal pub. Just me and my fellow man u supporter agaisnt the legion of arsenal fans. Had a couple of babes there too. Woo :) Received a msg out of a blue from someone i havent heard from in ages. Just kinda let our friendship fade away quietly in hope that she will finally manage to settle down with him. As yet again, there were no replies after that, been nagging at my mind, but oh well, cant take care of her forever, she will know where to look if she really needs help.
Just languidly watching the days go by, life seems kinda aimless and mundane. But then again, im sharing these days with a bunch of people that bring me much laughter. It is to be said that im often a migrant, moving in and out of cliques. I dont think i do it out of the idea of being a social butterfly, but i just kinda come and go? Only a couple of peeps have really stuck with me through these years.
Eventually no matter where i go or end up, i just return back to my own thoughts. Perhaps im trying to understand myself through the people i meet, people are always telling me that i think too much, but these ponderings have often given me insights that are oft lacking in others. This gift of having the ability to anaalyse, improvise , a ghetto kind of 6th sense has helped in so many situations. But it always leads me to wonder about more and more things. Im wonder boy! hur hur..
Have another match tomorrow, knowing i have a match coming at the week end often makes my weekday so much more pleasant. Wish me luck. Ciaoz

Meh, just realised I have 2 bloody pathetic posts to show for this year. Guess thats good in a way, since i seem to derive with most of my stuff when im in my moody moods anyways. This has been a year of startling revealations, things have a way of unravelling themselves at times. Certain events have happened that i cannot bear to put to words, written or otherwise. I am surprised at how i handled them, has it become mere indifference or numbness? Or maybe, acceptence. Escapism, a way of life i ran away to, hoping that if i dont see it, its not there. Somehow, the pain of those around me always draws me back. Responsibility? Is it possible not to feel it when you love someone? When i see my loved ones suffer, especially my beautiful sister, i always ask, "Why not me?" It dosent really stem from self loathing, no i dont really think it does, but somehow, the seeming ease with which i view my own life as nothing scares me sometimes. The past 5 years have really been difficult, struggling with my own demons and fighting agaisnt the demons of his. As i sit here before my laptop typing this, it is with a tranquility and detachedness that i rarely experience anymore. This calm that exists when tired bodies are recharged, gearing up to run another lap of the great rat race.

Dreams, they been plauging my sleep much more often these days. The randomness of the dreams scare me. I have always had such vivid dreams, well strucutred and defined. Ive dreamt of being in the matrix ( agent smiths and slo mo effects included. no shit) , of haunted lifts and never ending flights of stairs, of soaring amongst the stars, of random technicolor animations.
however, the dreams lately are almost sparse, naked. Fractured in sequences, i am unable to draw any meaning from them at all. I hardly have any stage 2 sleep anymore. i just seem to flirt from dream to dream to dream. I keep feeling like i should be seeing something, but it seems to flirt out of sight everytime i turn a corner, only managing to catch glimpses of something. Who knows, maybe it just something passing. Only time will tell.

Kan zhe kan zhe.. Kan zhe ni hao yao yuan. Ni hao siang jiu shi wo zhe feng kuang shen ming zhong de ning jing. Wo xiang ta lu ning de shi jie, ning xiang ta lu bie ren de shi jie, jiu zhe yang wo zui zhe ni, ni zui zhe ta, bu ting de zai ben pao. Qi shi, zhe yang pao zhe, wo fa xian le, xi huan yi ge ren bing bu xu yao zai ta shi jie li. Neng zhe yang jian bing zhe jian de pao xiang mu biao ye shi hen xing fu de. Ji xu xiang ni de mu biao pao ba, dang ni lei le hou die dao le, zhong hui you yi zhi shou zai ni sheng pang fu zhe ni :).

My 72-hour love affair. Have you ever believed in love at first sight? I didnt. I barely believe in love too. The short moment we met. I fell in love with her and she with me.

You live in a world of negotiable affections,
numbed perhaps, by the mercurial world.
The gift of love, a mere commoditity,
bartered, sullied, no different from meat.
Perhaps you have forgotten what it was once like,
Or maybe you have never found the truth.
What circumstances compelled you,
For you to do what you do?
I cannot claim to know you,
but I feel for you i really do.
The sadness I see in you
The desperation to break free.
Playing the twisted puppetmaster as fate often does,
We are led on by his whims and fancies.
Living apart in 2 different worlds,
and yet somehow we connected.
The warmth that you emanate,
Stings with the starkness in your eyes.
I would abandon all I had to seperate you from the grime,
the ties and needs of my world bind me so.
I swear upon my life that I will return,
When all my other deeds are done.
I will take you to where there is no more pain.
Until then please hold strong,
keep us both in memory as we go along.
Remembering me always like i remember you.

That rain which wouldnt stop, the tears that dosent dry. This pain i cannot hide. The hallowed hollowness rings with sombre overtures, the cries of departed souls wrenched by callous waves. The alpha wields a pointed end, the heart that shatters no one cares. The shroud of bravery that cannot be shed, the mask of madness cannot be shown. A world without pain one tries to seek, a world of illusions where one sleeps. The torrents of water, the raging of words, a melody of chaos and an aria of pain. Amen.

There is this huge tree by the roadside, just like any other tree. I used to admire its beauty, from under its pretty leaves. With the passing of many Novembers, I got swept away by the torrents of adult life. I hurried by the tree each day, without ever saying "hi". Then come one sunny summer, as i stood where I always did. My skin burnt red hot, only for me to realise that the tree's no more. It has always been an invisible protector, shielding me from harm. It's soothing voice of rustling leaves i took for granted. Only with the chilly silence, for me to realise that the tree's no more. A lullaby i shall never again hear, sending me to Morpheus's world.

Oh what irony! How fate sometimes shows you what you have by taking it away. What you have forgotten with time, you remember it with its loss. Then what you have left will be grief, grief for an empty vessel without soul.

You have moved on i see. I am left with broken pieces all around me, shattered and lost. I know i should be happy for you and shake your hands with a smile. But when i saw you that day, it was tears that i was holding back. I want to just look forward and carry on, but my strength seems to have forsaken me. The weight of the memories i carry seems so heavy, and yet i hold on to them like some damn fool, unwilling to forget even the smallest fragment of our time together. They say that time heals everything, and yet with you, it seems the wounds just never stop coming. I was move on eventually, just like you did, but my journey shall forever be hampered, by the weights of the memories i hold.

Weird. Was lying in bed and for no apparant reason, starting reminiscing about the days where i worked in Mac Donalds in secondary 2. It was prolly one of most memorable periods of my life. It was then when i remembered her, and how much i still missed her.
No, this is not gonna turn out to be some soppy love story alright? Pfft.
There was this girl, Cassandra. When i first saw her my heart raced like any other hot blooded youngster. But she was around 2 years my senior, waaay outta my league. Those days i wouldnt even dare to speak to girls my age with intentions of asking them out heh. As the days went by where we worked i eventually warmed up to her and she asked me to be her god brother. Thinking that it would be kinda fun, i agreed. She often took me out for supper after out night shifts and sent me home. Also, 25th December 1998, i had the first logcake in my life for my christmas! We just sat outside the old world trade mac donalds by the sea with teh logcake and soggy bee hoon. We messed around with the cream, obeying the universal law that cream MUST go on someones nose before we proceeded inside to help the mid night shift people.
She is also the first person i tasted ikea irish meatballs with hur hur.
Sadly, as i left my workplace we broke off contact. When i returned a month later, i learnt that she has resigned too. Didnt have a handphone then, but we had each others emails.
Then i changed email and lost my contacts. The following christmas, she went back with a gift for me, passing it to 2 people who lived near my house. But the bastards decided to keep it for themselves.

Been trying to contact her for 4 years now with no success at all. I miss her oh so terribly. I do wish our paths in life will cross again...

Reflections. What is it about a wound so deep that it still feels so painful after so long? The memories are still so clear, as if it only happened yesterday. Contradictions. The trying times that i got carried along, the crazy times, and yet it seems so hard to just forget and move on. Memories can sometimes be such a curse, maybe it would be great to just lose my memory and carry on with life. Its like a cut that gets torn open again and again in a merciless and relentless cycle. The places we used to go, i can almost visualise the conversations, the antics, as if a reel is running in my head. What we do not know cant hurt us. Maybe there is bliss in ignorance after all.


I ran across a man on the streets, he appeared to be talking to the air in particular. Interest pigued i went up to him. " Good day sir! To whom are you speaking to?" He walked by me as if i was just a dream. Not giving up i fell into his footsteps and heard what he has to say.

" Raine, the place you have gone seems so far away,
The seat you filled, your place in bed,
It all seems so cold now. Its ok though,
I have found a new partner now, she is so much like you.
Just yesterday, we went fishing by the lake,
Its just like in the past, we would roll up our pants,
With our feets in the water, just me and you.
The fish we didnt catch, it never mattered.
I had you and you had me.
We plan on climbing that mountain again,
The climb you made me do, just to prove that nothing is impossible.
When i thought that it was the end,
You dragged and carried me though paths i never saw.
Raine oh Raine how i relied on you!
But its all ok now, I have my new partner.
We are going to the movies and fine restaurants like we used to.
I can forget you now. You have left me when you said you would never.
But fate has snatched you from me. Its alright though,
I have her and she has me."

I watched the man fade into the distance alone. With a gap in the soul that will never fill.

Injustice. If anything, this world reeks of it. There will always be injustice, its a matter of personal perception. If something does not go according to your wishes you view it as an injustice. So im just gonna be a selfish ass today and talk about injustice from my point of view.

Well, if being ruled and bossed around by some pompous ass around my age aint injustice, i dont know what it is. I mean, WTF? these people prolly are as clueless aboput life and stuff as we are, and yet, here they are ruling over the lives of their fellow lowly denizens in the circle of life.

Here i am, sitting in the office flaming away at my army superiors just cuz they gave me a chance to. Aint it grand? heh. I got sidelined from the exercise due to the fucking uselessness of my sergeant and i got branded as a "gengster" because of that?. Helo? reality check? i didnt fall off the god damned tonner by my own will. so yeah, fuck you lt alan. I am the only atten B made to sit in the fucking office during "office hours" because its the fucking "regulations"? How about those other attn Bs who aint done a dipshit and stayed in camp since the first day? i spent the fucking morning doing your mundane uselss shitwork mind you. Go get run over by a wild boar. Pfft
GO FUCK YOURSELVES ARGH #$%#$%#$

/rant off

September 11. Its been 2 years. The date marred forever by the senseless violence of man. As i dropped a rose into the sea on this day last year, i remembered thinking about the feeling of loss. My uncle, an uncle i remembered so vividly even though he departed from this world when i was 5. Its been what? 15 years? I still cannot forget the day. Every tiny detail, every emotion felt, it still feels like yesterday. I didnt understand the meaning of death, until the very moment the first rose was dropped, the first shovel of dirt laid upon his coffin, the realisation that he was gone, gone to us forever, only to be kept in memories. That is when i truly felt loss, tears still come to my eyes when i recall it. Do these people actually understand what the living has to go through when their dear ones die? Maybe they once felt the same feelings, went through the same emotions, and now they want to inflict their pain upon the people around them.

A rose i will drop on this day, for the people who died and for the living who has to live with the ghosts of the dead. I wish for peace in your hearts, and in the hearts of the people who have inflicted this upon you. There is too much pain in our hearts, our world is drowning in tears, let the hatred be gone so we may have more room for joy in our heart.

Sat under the stars on an open hill. I remembered how we used to the same.

I remember how we first met, just brushing past,
not knowing the path that lay ahead.

I remember how i first held you in a magical dance,
not knowing the sparks we would create.

I remember how i longed to see you so,
not knowing that you felt the same.

I remember how you surprised me with a kiss,
not knowing how that touch will never wane.

I remember the conflicts i felt as i held your hand,
not knowing how much it's gonna hurt.

I remember how i turned my back and walked away,
not knowing that it would never work.

I remember how you came and held me from behind,
not knowing how hard it was for you too.

I remember how i tried to forget you,
not knowing i have been a fool.

For i chose to take a path, one which i could never see ahead. I chose to go on blind, and oh how we crashed and burnt!

I remember every word you said, every touch every smile,
not knowing how it would make me warm on cold and heartless nights.

I remember how i wished i had a chance to undo all i had done,
not knowing that i would have done the same.

Miss ya.

A second to experience, a lifetime to not forget.

You are the blue moonlight. You are peaceful and serene, kind and loving. Your heart never stears you wrong. You let out uncertainess with tears, and you let out fear with light. The blue light means distance. You are afraid to get to close to people. You have been betrayed once before and can't do it again. Your dream job could consist of a counsler or a traveler. You love humanity and lonliness. You will have love in your life and will never pass by unnoticed. Your beauty attracts many, but your personality is rare. The uniqness in your mind will always separate you. You can always find yourself lingering near the ocean, thinking about life. Your head seema to be up in the clouds, though you body is down omn Earth. You change and each time come back a better person. The blue moonliht will always guide to safety in the darkest hour.

20 years, too many a year for me to become a man. Too long to live in a life of self obession, too long being the child fighting not to grow up, too long to rebel agaisnt order, too long for allowing the prejudice to seethe, too long to fail to see what is important, too long to discover the faults within myself.

20 years, too short for the memories to fade, too short to learn from my mistakes, too short to break away from habits that die hard, too short to find out what i really want from my life, too short to see the beauty of the world, too short for me to understand.

20 years of my life looking back, its been a rocky and twisty journey. And yet i would not have traded it for the life of any. Maybe i should have treated the people around me better, and yet if i had not had these valuable lessons learnt, i would never have seen the faults i had within me.

20 years may be too long for some lessons to be learnt, but i have another 20 years to right them and to learn from them.

The drizzle of the autumn leaves, the silent sway of the snowflake tango, the incandesce of summer's glory and the gentle sigh of spring. The seasons that goes by, memories that fades. Hold on to what's dear, and never never let go...

You are but a ripple in the ocean of destiny.
The moon and the sun idle by even with you gone.
The place you hold in our memories,
Age vanquishes without mercy.
We must all come to pass,
Who have we been, what have we done.
We will come to pass.

Bye WeiYang.

The tides of sadness are like the falling of rain. The first few drops have you running and hiding under shelters. Then it just engulfs you and entraps you in all its melodramatic fury. The sun always comes out after every rain, and you will walk again out in the open without hesitation, until the next downpour that is.

Where does your heart reside?
Where do your dreams take off?
Do they reach out towards the heavens,
Or do you keep them close to you?

Are you one who stays close to your abode?
Or are you one who races beyond the reaches of man?
Do you cling on to reality,
Or do you abandon all for the American dream?

Look at what is around you,
Treasure what is dear to you.
Chase your dreams,
Keep close to home.

Take the time to kiss your loved ones,
See how much they mean to you.
Forsake the weights you carry,
Of the have-beens that you shoulder.

Build your aspirations upon substantiality,
Let it take you forth to greater heights.
Do not be swayed by the illusions,
The lies the world draws you with.

Let not your dreams reside in the house of sand and fog.

The world laughs at the deranged man who is lost in his own mind, and yet the man laughs at us for living in this harsh world called reality.

I have a heart and yet I cant feel,
Eyes and yet sight has forsaken me.
Does a new beginning always come with an end?

How you ever felt like you are but a mere spectator looking upon this game the world revovles around. They gave the game a name. They call it "life". Everyone finds themselves a little niche in this place we call the Earth. Some are contented, some are not, Man has put faith in himself to be the pinnacle of evolution. What are we? I ask. Are we not but merely another species placed upon the Earth by beings above us, beings that transcends the limits the fundamentally flawed human brain cannot comprehend.
What does it feel like to be all knowing, to break free from this leash by which all Man are bound. Time.
We run the rat race, and we die at the end of it, everyone does. Does it matter how far we ran? No one reaches the end, do they.

Like a fallen leaf,
Caught in the merciless torrent of time.
Dragged along by the currents,
I drift through this existence,
Not knowing what may come next,
Where I am going?
What will I become?
I seek the answers,
Why am I here?
Am I a jigsaw in the grandest painting ever,
Or are we mere pawns in the hands of Gods?
Or maybe, we are just living out our time upon this world,
Trying valiantly to seek self meaning and worth.

I feel like I dont belong, I am a mere spectator living out my time.

Eseis aristeros schisimo mesa dikos mou kardia,
etsi ekeinos eseis boulisi pote eimai lismono.

The tear you left, im drowned.

A man handed a girl a box. This box contains everything you always wanted to know, he says. Open it if you like. The girl opened the box and saw the evils of the world. Her heart broke, she cried and cried. She lost her sight and became blind. The man handed her another box. This box contains everything you never wanted to hear. The girl opened the box, determined to know everything others said about her. She heard the words she never wanted to. Words of advice from her friends and parents, words of concern she laughed off as insignificant, words of caution she refused to heed and words of love from her loved ones she refused to accept.
She had eyes but she couldnt see, had ears but she couldnt hear.

Learn to look past what your eyes can see and listen to what you dont wanna hear.

Threads of fate that seemingly binds us all together,
And yet fate which binds, tears apart too.
The cacophony of voices of man,
Sings out the symphony we call "life"
Does the meaning of life come from the tapestry fate weaves,
The symphony that men themselves sing?




Is it all but a recursive repercussion of man itself?

Like the scent that lingers,
Long after the waltz that ends.
Like the bittersweet aftertaste,
Of the finest chocolate.
You linger on in my mind,
Your touch and your essense.
Why does it haunt me so?

In Christianity, Man was made in the image of God, therein lies the ego of man.
In Buddhism, Man became Gods, therein lies the dreams of man.
In Atheism, there is no God, therein lies the delusion of man.
In Existentialism, there is no meaning to life, therein lies the disillusionism of man.

In Religion, therein lies the fralities of man.

She paints your world a vibrant yellow,
She sings away your gloomy blues,
She draws your silent breath away.
Like the rainbow that comes,
After every downpour,
Reminding you of the beauty of life.

Over yonder in the Northern poles,
The silver storm rages,
And the Carol sings.
A kiss sets passions asunder,
Under the enchanted mistletoe green.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear to be bright. Until you hear them speak

A boy stood at the top of the world,
He views down upon it with a forlorn heart.
He watches with jaded and weary eyes.
Heart locked and key lost,
Closing the gates to his very soul.
He turns his back on the world,
His heart bleeds and he tears.
Tears which streaks down the mountains,
The mountains cry with him,
The winds carries his sorrows.
The stark coldness of winters,
The jilted beauty of autumm.

A boy stood upon the top of the world,
He looks up upon heavenly bodies.
Searching for a glimmer of hope,
Hope among the aloof and majestic lights.
An Angel appeared before him,
She carries with her a key,
The key which the boy hid away,
Never to be found.
She tells him,
"The key i have found again for you,
It is you and only you who can unlock it.
There is love and hope in this cruel world.
Open your heart and bare your soul.
For he cares above everyone else."
The Angel wiped his tears and left.

A boy stood upon the top of the world.
He sees the life of spring,
See how it comes after the chill of every winter,
He feels the warmth of summer and it sets his heart ablaze.
He looks up and smiles.
Thank you Father, and he soars,
For he yearns to be back among the world again.

An architect's sprawling work,
Spread across the sky upon foundations.
Foundations of dreams and fleeting fancy,
Of things that wasn't,
Of things that never may be.
It is good to dream...

Heres a post thats not a piece of my work, hey whats a blog without some entries reflecting my real life happenings right!

Just got back from church camp as with any camps, a mandatory hot shower and 8 hour sleep upon arrival from home was greatly appreciated. Then food, good food.

Camp was great overall, main reason for joining this time was because of the theme. Science and religion. Been searching for answers since i first thought about "self" and the "world".
Is self centralised or is it a result of self egoistism and sociology?

What is this innate "evil" nature of us? What pushes us to lie and cheat even when we are mere toddlers? From the point of science it is the result of genetic influence and sociology. In Christianity we are said to be born with sin. It is in us to be "evil".

I have questioned alot of pastors and members of my similar faith. None has been able to give me a proper answer, infact most of them either stand of the brink of arrogance or ignorance. Questions about the interpretation of the bible, about social morals and standards and how does Christianity conform or change it.

The main speaker for the camp was an excellent person for me to target my questions at. (Never got his name -_-) He was very well versed in current sciences and philosophies, pulled up alot of names some of which i knew, some of which were foreign to me. Had a couple of questions of his main points and attempted to take apart some of his points. Didnt get much time to speak with him but during the short time we had a few discussions on the viewpoints on both parties. I had to take the view point of the skeptic because he obviously would take the part of the religion :P . And he is the first that finally admits that Christianity is all about blind faith!!!

" Culture has no part in ensuring the survival of man, but it gives man reason to live"

In a way religion works that way too, it gives man hope, and it gives man a support, something to turn to in time of need.

A religionist and a scientist can push forth all their points till the cows come home but in the end, both parties have based a very large part of their points and facts upon "assumptions"
General and Special relativity stands on 1 ultimate. The ultimate that nothing can go faster then light. And we say that because we cant find anything faster then light due the the limitations in our technology.
If one day we find that dark is indeed faster then light(it gets out of the way of light pretty quickly), will those scientists and Einstein say "oops?" in their graves?
Even as we speak, part of Newtonian physics (the physics we study in school) is being proven wrong by scientists.(yeah kids go tell your teachers they are teaching you all the wrong stuff)

We all have a point to prove and it all ends up to whether you chose to put your faith in the assumption that there is a God or that light is faster then dark.

Ok that was alot of side tracking i did but hey that was what the camp was all about for me. I get injured as always during camps but nothing major but one thing, the food was BAAAAAAAAAD. I rarely complain about quality of food but when you serve me veg fish and rice for 3 days in a row, i will complain! I cant take fish and i ended up eating veg and rice for 5 meals.. i made sure my dinner was steak and wine tonight lol.

Ok thats about it i guess.. Got another poem up soon if nothing big happens.. Until then

Time,
It slips through the wake of humanity,
Like sand,
It slips through the fingers,
Fingers of lovers, of matyrs, of kings,
And of humanity.
It dosent wait, it dosent look back.
Like a deer set free upon the medows,
It sprints forth and is never found again.

The path of a falling star,
It streaks a burning trail across my weary heart.
Ambers buried by the ashes of time ignites,
Scorching the mind with memories once thought gone.
Echoes of recollections rings out,
Resonates across the recesses of my inner soul.
Happiness an elusive wanton for ages past,
Returns to me but will it last...


Oh btw, wanna say a few words to my terrorists buddies. You guys are nothing but a bunch of pathetic cowards. You have a damn problem with government, go after them if you are so capable. Staying at camps and playing armies aint gonna be your redemption, its gonna be your downfall. Leave the innocents alone, bombing them to bits wont make the government listen. It will only leave families broken. Please, stop. I cant help but feel sad each time i hear of a new bombing. I feel sad for the deaths of the loved ones, i shed a silent tear for you. I feel sad for the man responsible, I pity you for living in your world of illusions, that makes you think you are significant, that your job killing people makes the world a better place. When will this madness end?
(I know the chance of a terrorist reading is less then 0, but if someone manages to read it, come bomb me you sonofabitch if you have the capabilities. We do not fear you.) Pardon my language, i just had to rant..

eLeanore: haha maybe he bore the grudge for 16 years thats why we never got along
Denewbie: haha i hink u both did la
Denewbie: dont u
Denewbie: haha we all quarrel with our parebts at times dont we
eLeanore: i hated him for what he did
Denewbie: i hated some pple for wat they did wat they did to me too
eLeanore: and i still hate him
Denewbie: then one day GOd asked me
Denewbie: Y do u hate me?

Why do you hate me ... why do you hate me why do you hate me why do you hate me why do you hate me...

Was a chat with a friend online, i became a cynic i became disillusionzed with life. Melancholy became my way of life. The 5 words resonated in my head, and this song came into my head..

When the music fades all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring something that’s of worth
That will bless Your heart

I’ll bring You more than a song for a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You’re looking into my heart

I’m coming back to the heart of worship
And it’s all about You
It’s all about You, Jesus
I’m sorry, Lord, for the thing I’ve made it
And it’s all about You
It’s all about You, Jesus

King of endless worth no one could express
How much You deserve
Though I’m weak and poor
All I have is Yours, every single breath



I am sorry Lord, for i have lost my way, guide my path and hold my hand, i dont want to return to my world of anguish and pain. Help me Lord, uphold me, be my shield and be my strength, i know my weaknesses and i fear, i dont want to be lost again...
Amen.

The limping past of the hollow winds,
Memories it carries, tears it dries.
I see the deceit behind the smiles,
I do not want to believe,
I do not want to think.
I remember the times of the past,
The chases of the fair,
The exuburence of youth yonder.
I saw the different paths,
Yet i see the same destination.
And yet i couldnt see,
See past the facade that it is.
The pieces do not match,
It does not fit.
I do not want to believe,
I do not want to think.
Disillusioned, broken and weary.
Do we really only live to die?

I hear the rhythm of the world throbbing,
It is neverending, never slowing.
The pulse it carries in your blood,
The sense of wanderlust it brings.

I walked the lands of the earth,
Its lustous and seductive splendor draws me.
The whispers of the passing wind,
The secrets of the earth it brings.

I saw the passing of time,
Its relentless march forward.
The herald of good news,
The harbinger of anarchy.

I tasted the rage of bloodlust,
Its encompassing insanity and blind fury,
The roar of battle rage,
The arid stench of pestilence that trails.

I felt the presence of death,
Its caress draws me into its folds.
The inescapable truth of the universe,
The ineventuality of life.

There's always this little girl,
hoping to spend every precious moment in this lovely cottage with the one she loves,
The twinkling of the distant stars,
smeared across the heavens like diamonddust,
watching her embraced in his arms.
The winds encompasses them strolling down the beach, with waves encircling their warm embrace.
The sunsets and the sunrises,
lost under their watchful gaze
If only life could fulfill the wishes of this simple little girl.

Days, unnumbered, seem so grey.
Nights are painted blue.
The canvas of my life displays
Such loneliness without you.

Wasted strokes and countless thoughts
Splash across my heart,
Like a careless artist mixing paint
For an abstract work of art.

No patterns of brilliance or beauty, fair,
No lustrous shades of youth...
But only a color which I have named
"Clashing, Inescapable Truth".

What am I?
Who am I?
I am Eric.

Im Eric,
One of many potentialities.
Out of infinity.

I am me,
But at the same time,
I am what others perceive to me to be.

Im Eric,
One of many potentialities.
Out of infinity.

I am what the world made me,
My thoughts,
Sculptured and refined by people.

I am what people perceive me to be.

Im Eric,
Yet im also the Eric of others
The many sides of me making me.

Identity,
What is identity?
I am just me out of the many "me's" i could have been.

Identity,
When one loses it,
What does one become?

Existance,
The meaning of life.
Do we live only to die?

Identity,
What is an existence without it.
Is it possible to exist without an identity.

Existence,
The result of potentiality
With emptiness there must lie potentiality.

Potentiality,
It exists where there is no existence.
It lies asleep, always waiting to awaken.


Without identity one cannot exist, without existance lies potentiality. Lose your "self" and your limits has no boundary.


Im Eric,
Out of many potentialities.
Out of infinity.

Days go by, time flys past.
Shadows of memories, of winterscape
Deep within me bears a chill,
Filled with deep sad songs of the hill.

I walked a road of decadence,
I see the antropy of men,
of fickle hearts, of lonely tears
Fralities of man revealed

Lives of other men,
Mirrors the silent tenderness
Of wounds unhealed and injuries unforgotten.
Of love lost and of betrayals, man continues to dream.

Broken pieces, shattered dreams,
The coldness of the soul within.
The spark long gone, the spirit long dead
Until that moment drew.

Passing by on a summer breeze,
Silent and invisible,
Warm like a mothers womb,
A haven of serenity it brings.

Time does not heal everything,
but with it chances bring.
It brings hope and faith into being
With it life is breathed

The ice of the soul melts,
With it comes the fountain of life,
The glitter of spring arrived.
The joy of life relived.